Cygnus

Primal, His instinct to protect Her.
Strong body placed purposely between the dangers of Life and His female.
Every nerve stands ready to defend His beloved and that which They build Together.

Neck outstretched in offering to Him,
She approaches placidly.
Her whole being placed in His care.
Primal, Her trust in Him.

He lets down His guard only when She nears Him.
Succumbing, He circles Her and lays bare his neck - vulnerable.
She accepts His offering, coiling Her neck around His; impossibly close.
For one brief moment They share Their vulnerability and are stronger for it.

Invisible peril snaps Him back from Their courtship.
Chest broadening, eyes transfixed; He abandons tenderness and rises to her defense.
Primal, His instinct to protect her.

The Day the Earth Stood Still - Okay, Not Really...

I was laid off today and it is lousy. Somehow, no matter how prepared you are for it to happen, it sucks the air out of the room when you hear the words "this is hard for me to say." Of course it is hard for you to say but that statement certainly does nothing to help the person hearing it. At that moment, I don't care if your life is hard. I am not an idiot. I have seen the writing on the wall for a year now. I have watched while my friends got walked out. No control. No warning. Nothing they could have done to have changed it. And still...

When I heard those words directed at me personally, I got mad. Mad that the people I worked my butt off for had failed me and my coworkers. Mad that our client had failed the company. Mad that I was somehow supposed to mix up some sympathy for the managing directors in all of this. I understand "it's not personal, it's business" but for goodness sake, we are not The Godfather here. We ARE people. We DO have feelings, and if a business isn't about its people, then what is it about? People run the machines, people make the decisions, people create the wonderful ideas, people sort the mail, people schedule the appointments...it is ALL about the people.

*This was written the day of my lay-off but I thought I had more to say so I tucked it away. But I don't have more to say...simply that when a business so easily disassociates itself from its people then you know it has a problem.

A Downy Woodpecker (who sometimes brings his 2 buddies along with him), 3 pairs of unimaginably red Cardinals, 5 cooing Mourning Doves (or Mother Doves as OG calls them), a host of sparrows, a very small charm of finches - finally, and now, Starlings, have arrived in my yard. I feed them off my deck, which I am certain I will regret in the Spring but for now I garner much pleasure from watching them.

Moments That Define Us

I suppose that most of us are never aware of the moments in our lives that define us...as women and men..as children and parents...as individuals...as humans. Maybe there are some of us that are luckier than others but I don't really think so. I think that most of us spend the rest of our lives "getting beyond" those moments of definition. Don't misunderstand me here - I am not saying that these great defining moments in life are all bad moments. Sometimes they are simply moments of such joy that they take the rest of our lives to get over, move past, and learn to not compare our lives to. Maybe it was a person that you once knew...a romance that broke your heart after it showed you possibilities...a place that touched your soul...a parent who believed in you unfailingly...an object that represented everything right about the world...a letter that evokes such intense memories that to read it makes you feel that you must be reliving them. All of these things give us cause to stop and think about who we are and where we have come from and where we are going. They gave us smiles and laughter, tears and agony, physical and spiritual freedom. And there probably isn't just one of any of them. If Fate is kind there are many for us all; if punishing, there are none. That is a terrifying possibility to me. I still climb into my memories when I need to recall a feeling, a touch...when I need solace...when I need to escape...when no one around me understands...It is to my memories that I turn.

Fraulein

When I was young, naive and certain that the world revolved around my aura, I met a man. This man opened me so completely. He offered me myself. Sounds cliche right? Like something you would read between the pages of a romance novel, I know. At 23 I thought that I had so much of life figured out. I had dated a lot in my short years and was certain that men couldn't surprise me anymore. I didn't know that I was looking for someone to guide me but there he was.

He came to the theatre that night out of grief and loneliness. His best friend had just died of an unexplained illness and he didn't know how to grieve for him. I think he spent the next year grieving in my arms. I also came to know that he was not just grieving for Chris. He grieved for something deeper. I think he grieved for a loss within his soul. I didn't realize until later that I served as a catharsis for this man's pain. I hope that he found what he needed in me. I hope that I gave him something that helped to heal him. What is less clear to me is the role he played in my life.

There are times that I think he was filling a chasm deep within my soul. I was never a magnetic personality - at least that I recall. I like to believe that I have always been kind and compassionate and thus, people gravitated to me. But then again, maybe that is just how I choose to remember it. I was a smart child and rather funny; not stand-up funny but witty maybe. When I met this man, he looked far within my soul to a point that I did not know that humans had. He found a young woman so afraid of her own personal power that she was paralyzed to live. It was much safer to live in words on paper. No risks that way - only comfort. Consequently, he calmly pried open her scared little heart, pampered her brash little ego and caressed her bright little soul.

It's been almost 14 years since our paths diverged yet still I think to the lessons I learned at his side. Love, passion, to notice the beauty around me and harness it in my work and life, and perhaps most importantly, how to enjoy life. I've forgotten that lesson most often. Many Sunday mornings, as I cup my hands around my tea cup and look into the family room at my husband, child and puppy lounging in pajamas and watching cartoons, I remember back to Sunday mornings reading the New York Times cover to cover, spending the day simply being. Good food, wine, and conversation were all regular parts of our life together. Somehow, this man had an easy way of bringing quality and loveliness into his life and thus mine.

I don't know how to just BE anymore. My weekends are spent on family work and yet it never feels like I accomplish anything. There seems no time to devote to the nourishment of my soul. How do I nourish myself? And if I don't, will my soul shrivel up and die from misuse? Can I hinder my marriage by losing my soul? How do I solve this?